I was due June 6 but labor didn’t begin until 5:54am on Monday, June 18th, about 12 hours before my inducement was scheduled. I spent that previous evening suffering from painful braxton hicks contractions and feel asleep around 4am, then about two hours later I awoke to a very painful contraction that radiated through my thighs and I just knew.... this was it. I paced in my bedroom a bit and timed them at ten minutes apart and watched the clock as they became seven minutes apart and then after a less then two hours they were four minutes apart. I called my midwife who said to come in to her office. I then woke up my IF, his sister and his mother all of whom had been staying at my house on and off for the last two weeks awaiting the birth. I told them, the first one dressed needed to drive me to my midwives’. they began running around like chickens with their heads cut off. My IFs sister was first so we went to their office. As soon as I arrived my midwife told me to go to the hospital. We asked the nurse there to call my IF’s cell and my doula and let them know of what the plan was.

We then took off for the hospital only to find much traffic. I want contracting every three minutes and was in more pain then I could handle while sitting in a car. As we drove we saw a police car and so at the life my IFs sister ran out and told him I was in labor and we needed to get to the hospital. he turned on his lights and siren and led us all the way there never stopping for a red light. We passed a large funeral for a police officer and quickly realized that our police officer had been on his way to it when we stopped him. Needless to say we all felt terrible. Apparently there was some confusion though because when we arrived there was a crowd of nurses awaiting to deliver the baby right there in the car. They all were disappointed to see me only in active labor.

My IF’s sister and I head up to the maternity ward where my doula was waiting. As she helped me manage my contractions my IFs sister took to the phone to find my IF. Apparently he was trapped behind the funeral procession and was stressing out. He arrived at the hospital about 45 minutes later.

My pain was severe to say the least. My uterus didn’t release completely between contractions, in fact in between contractions I only had about 30% less pain. My midwife consulted the OB form her office and then gave me an injection to relieve the pain but it had no effect what-so-ever so then my IF, his family and my midwife said I really needed to consider an epidural. I had always wanted a natural birth but I was in so much pain that I reluctantly agreed and went ahead with the epidural. About five minutes after it was in my blood pressure dropped dangerously low as did the baby’s heart rate. I was rolled on my left side and specialists were called into the room, then my temp began to shoot up and people around me began to whisper and rush about the room. I was terrified. I was then given a shot in the leg and a series of medications via IV and of course oxygen. My condition began to improve so everyone relaxed but I had to stay on my left side with the oxygen and the other medications.

Finally I had enough pain relief so I could look up and find my IF at my side. I had spoken with him during my labor but not really even noticed he had arrived several hours ago. I was high from the medications and enjoyed a good 3 hours of total pain relief where my only complaint was that I was completely numb on one side from not being able to get off my left side. We all enjoyed this time and took pictures and joked around a good deal. We were blissful but still in the back of our minds we all were very shaken by the fever and reality of just how unpredictable labor can be.

My midwife decided to break my water to speed things along only to find it was already broken. This was a concern because I was very overdue and we already were worried about possible meconium. Now the issue of possible infection was introduced since I had been to see my OB’s and midwives several times over the last two weeks because I thought my water had broken only to be told it had not. I was put on antibiotics and told I really should have some pitocin to speed things along because of the concern for the health of the baby and I. I was reluctant but it was clear my IF really wanted the pitocin administered so I reluctantly agreed. I was very worried because I already was suffering terrible guilt from my needing the epidural which not only was against all my birth ideal, I had endangered the baby’s health by choosing the high medical intervention route.

The pitocin was administered and I was immediately in a great deal of pain. After a half hour I was completely dilated and it was time to push. I pushed and pushed and nothing happened. my epidural was turned down to give me more pain to motivate me to push harder which accomplished the opposite. Then it was turned up to help me push and that did nothing. After two and a half hours of pushing the baby’s heart rate was all over the place, my fever was high still and people were worried about what the effects were of my water having been broken for an unknown amount of time. I was told I needed a cessation. I was devastated. After the breech exercises, after the arguments with my IF over my not wanting a planned cessation, after the successful but painful manual version and then going two weeks overdue AND 17 hours of labor I was incredibly disappointed. I was crying from the emotional and physical pain when suddenly I had a horrible unbelievable burning pain my my right thigh that far surpassed the pain of any contraction. It was a nerve reaction to the epidural. The anesthesiologist gave me a series of medications which took a very long 15 minutes to kick in. Shortly after I was wheeled into the operating room.

I had asked that my IF stay at my side and my doula stay in the room with me. The procedure went quickly at first. It hurt but not terribly as they made their cuts and suctions and so fourth. My IF,whose a doctor by profession, gave me a constant play by play as I asked then he went silent. There’s a hand.....” he said then he began to tear up. I see a head...... maybe a foot..... I see....” I told him to go be with his daughter I didn’t know if she was out, if she was breathing or anything but I wanted him with her. He refused and sat in silence by my side holding my hand. I was in a very drugged state but I knew I wanted him to go be with her. Then we both heard a cry and finally he got up to see her. My doula took his seat and told me what was going on, still no one knew for sure what her condition was. I laid there unable to move or see anything but the blue dividing sheet, begging to be told what was going on. Finally I was told the baby came out very cold and the doctors were working on her but that she looked like she would probably be all right and that they hadn’t found any signs of meconium.

A half hour later I was wheeled into a recovery room where I my doula, my IF’s mother and his sister surrounded my bed telling me how beautiful Samantha was. I was in such pain and so exhausted I had trouble understanding what had happened. My IF came in glowing and talking about how she was going to be fine she just had a low temp and possible infection, that she was so beautiful. I began to cry and then a nurse knocked at the door and wheeled Samantha in for a quick visit. I saw her for the first time and cried and cried all I could say was she’s so beautiful and I did it, I made you a Dad, I made you a Dad.” Everyone was crying and it was just so wonderful still in the back of my mind I was sad that no one of my family was there to witness my proudest moment and greatest achievement. Samantha was then taken away for a short while and we all talked about how identical she was to her father the only feature she had from me were her eyes. I found comfort in this as I wanted more than anything for her to look just like her dad.

Later that night Samantha was brought back to my room and my IF and I agreed to have her nurse from my breast as I felt quite comfortable with this as did he. Samantha immediately opened wide and latched on, I having never breast-fed before was in awe of her inborn ability to nurse. My IF and I watched her suckle and after fifteen minutes I gave her to my IF to burp and then she nursed again on the other side for fifteen minutes, the, again he’d burp her and then my IF would soothe and cuddle her and then put her down in the bassinet to rest. My IF and Samantha roomed in with me and we followed this sharing of breast-feeding and baby care for our entire stay at the hospital. I enjoyed watching my IF begin his new parenting roll. I liked seeing him learn to understand her needs through trial and error and I particularly enjoyed watching him fall more and more in love with his daughter each time he sat in the rocking chair with her.

Us all rooming together was enjoyable but in retrospect not the best idea as when Samantha was up all night crying I could get no sleep and really the only thing that quieted her was putting her to my breast or simply putting her in my arms as she recognized me but not my IF. I admit it was incredibly difficult to keep from further bonding with her which I was not entirely successful at. I didn’t mind it at the time but the fact of the matter is I was essentially co-parenting as it was just my IF and I in that room caring for Samantha. Spending four nights listening to her cry for my breast and attention was incredibly difficult emotionally. I struggled inside to assure I always said and thought thoughts that were appropriate to our situation.

Rooming in together also was tough because I got no rest and this worked against my recovery form the cessation but I never saw it this way until after the fact. The lack of sleep and struggle to keep emotional distance was very exhausting. On top of that all was the fact that I got NO time alone except when I was in the bathroom. My IF and his family were on my phone so often that I didn’t even get to call any of my friends and family until the second full day at the hospital and they all complained my phone was busy so they never could get through to me. The constant phone calls for my IF and his family kept me up all day and my asking them to please tell their loved ones to stop using my phone line so I could rest accomplished nothing. I found myself often escaping to the nursery to talk with the nursing staff just so I could escape the constant chaos in my room. My never being able to be alone also caused challenges later when I went home but I will get to that later.

Most of the hospital staff was very kind to us. They had a tendency to give my IF and his family far more attention and often I had to remind nurses to please give me my pain medication because they would get so caught up in discussing the surrogacy with my IF and his family that they would walk away having never even taken my vitals of offered my medicines. Many of the staff members took me aside a few times to ask me private questions about the surrogacy but only a few questions offended me. Only one thing a nurse said really hurt and that was when my IF was holding Samantha and I noticed her hat was falling off, I told him to pull it on so it wouldn’t fall and she said don’t worry, he knows. HE’S the Dad!” it wasn’t such a big deal but it made me feel so obsolete, like only my IF and his family’s constant suggestions mattered. I dunno, I was hormonal. I guess it was just the way she said it that upset me.

Two days after the birth my mother insisted on visiting and I caved in and said she could because i felt she needed to gain closure. She has been mourning the loss of her grandchild since I first told her I was considering being a surrogate mother. She cried when she saw Samantha and clearly was in pain as she held her. She disliked my IF’s mother and sister and disapproved of their parenting style insisting her way to calm a crying baby was best. I know this was only because of how jealous she was and how threatened she felt. It didn’t help that they watched her like a hawk but I guess I don’t blame them. I tried to explain that all parents do things differently and that she too once was just learning how to parent and she had to go through much trial and error to get the hang of things. My words didn’t help much. Soon the tension became just too much so I asked my mother to wheel me outside so I could get some air. it was nice to have some time alone together and overall I’m glad she had her visit. I hope it helped her. I think she did like my IF.

Since I had disappointing birthing experience I felt a need to at least get breast pumping right. Out of a need to assure myself that I have done all I can to arm Samantha with all that she needs to face the world I have been crazed about pumping breast milk. In the hospital I pumped 45 minutes after every single nursing session to get a very heavy flow going. I have now been pumping and shipping with fury and already have more then a weeks supply in the freezer. I plan to pump and ship breast milk for My IF’s daughter for as long as I can. This has become quite the project as it meant my IF’s family had to go out and find coolers, many calls to Fed-Ex, breast milk bags and other supplies, calls to milk banks for directions, testing methods, etc. It’s just so important health wise that it’s so very worth it. Also I find that this all in the end is very healing for me as it makes for a smooth transition. My desire to assure Samantha has all she needs did not suddenly stop just because I gave birth.

Today my IF left the hospital with his family for a short while to gather everything from my house and move things to a hotel as they plan to fly out to FL tomorrow morning. I found myself alone with Samantha. She fussed over her dirty diaper and I was torn. I had never attended to anything but her nutritional needs before but I couldn’t let her just lay there crying because I felt vulnerable. I changed her and cuddled her and immediately the hormones kicked in. I had spent so much time fending off people whom seemed to be waiting for me to emotionally break down as a result of the surrogacy that I had until then, not given myself the space to be hormonal as all postpartum women are.

My tears frightened me but I thought it best to let them flow rather then hold them in. I just prayed my IF and his family nor any nurse come into the room and see me holding Samantha crying for fear of making people panic. I held her close and told her I loved her and how I hoped she’d become a strong loving confident woman one day. I asked her if she understood why I wouldn’t ever nurse her again. I told her never to feel rejected by me, that I loved her so much I would never ever interfere in her life with her father should he decide later on that he wanted me to never be in her life. I told her that I would miss her so much but I would always feel comfort in knowing she has a terrific Dad and a wonderful family that loves her. I kissed her and held her close then quickly put her down in the bassinet and wheeled her to the nursery and left her there. I returned to my room and had a good silent cry in the bathroom.

While in there my IF and his family returned. I ran some water over my face and did my best to disguise myself and came out complaining of exhaustion and an ill stomach. My IF and I then went to the other end of the hospital where I signed the relinquishing agreement and it was notarized as was an affidavit that supported my IFs decision to adopt his own shield to remove me form the birth certificate so he may have a birth certificate with only his name on it (this allows him to do a step parent adoption in FL should he one day find a life partner).

We then returned to my room and packed everything up into the cars and we all checked out a full day early so my IF could take his daughter home before the weekend was through. I wasn’t thrilled about this as my cessation pain is still significant but I knew how much he wanted her home with him and I knew that staying in that room with he and his daughter with the constant bustling of his sister and mother not to mention the constant phone ringing and so on was making me crazy. I also knew that I was in danger of hurting myself emotionally and that it was probably best to go home and spend some time alone away from watching eyes and the soft cooing of my IF’s beautiful daughter. another night of her up all night crying for my breast and warmth would just be too much. So we all drove back to my house.

When we got there my If and his family quickly went through the house assuring their belongings were out and they got my belongings settled in since I am unable to lift anything myself. Then I pumped an additional bottle for Samantha and gave it to my IF When I returned from the bathroom where I clean up my breast i found my IF had already put the baby back in the car. His sister asked if there was anything else I needed, I said no and then his sister said she’d stop by later after dinner to check on me, that they were going to the hotel to settle things in and put all the frozen milk in a fridge. My IF said they’d all be back in the morning for a few minutes before they left for the airport. Before I could blink they left. There was such silence, I was in shock.

I couldn’t believe it. No thank you, no good bye to Samantha. After spending the last ten months with her inside my body and the last four nights with her at my breast she was gone and I didn’t get to say good bye. I just stood there alone in the door way of my bathroom, breast pump horns in hand. After a minute I realized they really had indeed left and it all hit me so hard. I cried and cried I hurt but crying made it feel better. I went to my room and pressed a pillow against my sore belly to feel less empty and I had a real good cry.

When I was done I was found I had already become engorged so I gathered myself and pumped and froze some milk. I then took some more Tylox for the cessation pain and then attempted to make myself some toast. Later this evening my IF returned with his entire family in tote including his daughter. They said they had just finished having dinner at a restaurant and they just wanted to check on me. I told them I was hormonal but fine. They then started talking about the restaurant and so on but I ignored them and I went over to Samantha who was asleep in her carrier which was put on my kitchen table and I rubbed her little foot and in my mind I said good night to her for that evening and all the many evenings to come. I kissed her head and felt peace. My IF and his family were still talking though I had no idea what about so I just nodded and smiled and agreed to see them in the morning just before they left for their flight. Once again they quickly gathered their things to leave. I gave them all hugs and said good night and not to worry about me, that I was fine and then they left. After they left I took to the computer to wrote up the story of the birth and there after.

Last night I sept so deeply I couldn’t believe it. I was surprisingly happy to be able to be alone in a room able to sleep in my own bed. Last night I had set the alarm to go off every three hours so I could pump but I was more exhausted then I realized. I awoke having slept through the alarm and found myself quite engorged which was just terribly painful. I pumped and then laid down to rest thinking of what I would say to my IF and Samantha the following morning.

This morning I got up and pumped and got ready in a hurry. I paced the house dying to see my IF and Samantha. They said they’d be here at 9 and leave for their flight at 10 so I was eager as could be. Then 9:30 rolled around and they still weren’t here. I was crazed. I called their hotel to learn they had checked out very early and I called my IF’s cell phone only to discover his phone was off. I was shaking thinking they had just up and left leaving me with no good bye and leaving behind the gallons of breast milk I have worked so hard to make. Just when I thought there was no way to hold back my tears anymore they rolled in at 9:45. I had just 15 minutes.

They all bustled about the house. I immediately took Samantha in my arms and held her close trying to mentally tell her all that things I had prepared in my mind earlier. My IF and his family were running about collecting last minute forgotten things and so on. My IF then said they had no room for the breast milk amongst their belongings, that I should just ship it in a week or two. I was so upset. I quietly told him that i thought next to Samantha herself, that milk was the most important thing he needed to take on that plane and that if there was no room then he should leave some things behind and I’ll mail them to him. He disagreed but then his mother straightened things out and assured they’d make room.

I cried as I held Samantha but feared I’d worry everyone there so I explained to them exactly how i felt. I loved her just as much as they had, that I had spent the last 10 months and two weeks with her in my body and the last week with her at my breast, that i just missed her and loved her so much but that I was confident in my decision and I was very happy to have helped my IF become a father. Then the conversation became more emotional as I made my IF promise to love her too much and to raise her with loving care and devotion. I begged him to never do anything legally that would endanger his custody of his daughter (the step-parent adoption issue) and he assured me he felt it was not risky. I held Samantha close and cried and rocked her softly as she slept. Then my IFs sister started bawling too so I felt better, that someone there understood. She came over to me and hugged me and thanked me over and over again which, honestly, felt good. I told her that’s all I wanted was to be thanked and then my IF came over and hugged me and said thank you too. He then started talking about how he wanted me to come up next month and every months there-after to see her and so on. he said it wasn’t good bye but just, so long for now. I told him I’d like to see them all again soon but that I didn’t want to invade upon there lives, that I wasn’t crying for fear of never seeing her again, i was crying because I loved her and I’d miss her, I was crying because all my work paid off and he was now a Dad, I told him all the many many reasons I was crying though I don’t think he understood.

Soon 15 minutes had passed and they had to go. I gave them the breast milk and collected their things. I gave my IF his daughter and he tucked her into her car seat. I looked at her and then cried five times harder. I told them to just go, that I needed them to just leave and so they hugged me and left. I watched as they all drove away.

Overwhelmed with emotion I went to my room and pressed a pillow against my belly and chest to make up for the loss of her in my womb and at my breast. I had myself a real good cry. I cried harder then I ever have in my life but then out of no where I stopped and felt better. I went downstairs and found the photograph of my IF holding his daughter and suddenly I felt euphoric. I felt a great peace and so I just sat on the couch and reminisced over the long journey which had concluded. I turned on my video camera and gave my final entry into my video surrogacy diary and then pumped some more milk and opted for a much needed nap.

I think each day will get easier. I think right now my hormones are also playing cruel games with me. Anyways, I am a bit dizzy and still sore and well exhausted, I’m going to pump and then go sleep some more.

Love to you all and thank you so much for all the support you have all given me. I really have appreciated and benefitted from the many emails I have received from the SMs and particularly from the IPs who have written me.

I feel exhausted. My surrogacy journey has been so very long. Had I it to do over I would change so very much but I would never have not done it. I written and shared this all to not only help gain closure myself but to also share what my experience has been. Some surrogacy journeys are easy and blissful, some are disastrous but most are in the middle with many ups and downs. Mine is one of those middle ones with the highs and lows. I thought maybe my sharing the full true way things have gone for me might help others as many of the challenges I have faced in my surrogacy are not rare by any means.