It's a BOY!!! Baby's Name Brendan James Date of Birth February 2, 2001 Congratulations to the Proud Parents Jim and Michele And to their Special Surrogate Carrie Russell Time of Birth 7:13 pm Baby's weight 10 lbs 1 oz Baby's Length 22 3/4 inches Prous Surrogate's Comments: My surrogacy experience has been nothing less than perfect. I would love to hear from anyone that has taken the time to read my birth story and thank you for visiting the birth announcements! Surrogate's Birth Story: It was a warm and breezy day in May when I left my family and boarded a plane headed to Rhode Island. I was uncertain of what would result, if my intuition had led me down the right path, if I had indeed heard my calling again. Three days later when I emerged from the plane I saw my family waving anxiously to me from the window and the wind whipped through my hair with such a gentleness and I felt so happy , so calm and I knew for certain that God had whispered my name once more. I knew that once again I had a purpose to fulfill and I cheerfully made my way home hand in hand with my children fully aware of the gift that I held in each palm. February 2nd, 2001 : "This is the day" I thought to myself the moment I awoke from my restless sleep. It was finally here. I was so grateful to God for every day He had blessed me with the ability to carry this child further through his gestation. I had spent many weeks prior to this day worrying that Baby Bonner's mommy & daddy would miss his long awaited entrance into the world. I had prayed endlessly for the strength to carry him to term and I was in disbelief that I had been granted every wish in my heart for this day. My Intended Parents were here, in Ohio, just miles away, anxiously awaiting the arrival of their firstborn son. I showered and dressed quickly, woke my husband Steve and hugged my children. They were excited to see my Intended Parents as they have become quite close to them over the previous months. The whole house seemed filled with apprehension, nervousness and happiness for what was about to be. When we finally got on the road I was very quiet, consumed with so many thoughts. The kids were full of questions and it was obvious that Steve was looking forward to the day ahead. When we arrived at the restaurant for breakfast I was so excited to see Michele & Jim again. It had only been 12 weeks since we were last together but it seemed like ages and I am sure it seemed longer to them. In comparison, I was huge in size now and I was anxious for Michele to see how big I was considering she is an OB and I had been telling her for weeks that she would not believe it. I was right... when we entered the restaurant my oldest, Stephanie spotted her right away and ran towards her with glee as I waddled over to greet her. She was amazed at my size and it was clear how happy she was that this day had finally arrived. We all hugged one another and then Michele led us to our table where Jim was patiently waiting for us. He, too, could not believe how big I was and was so happy to see us. Breakfast was great though I only had toast and juice but the conversation was endless as always. I am continuously in awe of how comfortable we are and have always been around Jim & Michele. They are like old friends to us and we care for them so much it is hard to put into words. They have always been so good to our children and we loved to watch them hold them on their laps thinking all along that they were going to be such good parents. After breakfast we parted ways so Steve and I could take the kiddies to the babysitter and made plans to meet back in the hospital lobby at 11:30. My kids were looking forward to a rambunctious day with my cousin and so leaving them went smoothly and without question. They were content and understood completely what was about to take place. They knew in simplest form that Jim & Michele were going to have their baby today and that they would not be sad inside anymore. The best part to them, however, was that mommy would have an available lap again. :) On the way to the hospital Steve held my hand with an unspoken understanding of what I was thinking. I am sure he had his own thoughts but I can only speak for my own when I say that these moments were very precious to me. My first thoughts drifted back to the day Jim & Michele took us on a tour of Rhode Island when we visited them last March. I thought of how happy we all were as we took pictures of each other along the shore. It was such a beautiful beginning to something that would later become so precious to each of us. I remembered the love and joy I felt for Michele when I first told her we had a positive pregnancy test. I felt her pain as I heard her tears of disbelief. I remembered the email I got from Jim just hours later thanking me and telling me that he was going to the lake that weekend and that he would be looking for all the places that he would show his child someday. I remembered each call that Michele and I shared comparing hCG numbers and the day I was able to tell her that her child had a heartbeat. It was as if so much worry had been lifted from her. I remembered when they came to visit us in November when they first learned they would be having a son. There have been very few times in my life that I have ever seen two people so much in love with each other. As they stood next to Steve and I during the ultrasound that day we all had in tears in our eyes. Not one of us was blind to what a miracle it all was. We watched in awe as Baby Bonner yawned and stuck out his little tongue. I remember wondering how many ultrasounds this woman next to me had viewed of babies throughout her career and now here she was, watching her son. I wondered how many babies Jim had gently held each day and how he must be feeling at that exact moment to see his son before him just a few feet away. I saw my husband's misty eyes and secretly thanked God for him, that he understood how incredible and moving this all was for us. I remembered counting the final weeks down to days in anticipation for Jim and Michele. I remembered my own discomfort in the last days and of course my final moments with Baby Bonner. He had touched my heart in many ways, he had his very own personality that I had become so familiar with. This child that slept with me and woke with me, the child that always gave me a reassuring kick when I was feeling discouraged. He always made me laugh when he was active and I thoroughly enjoyed my daily conversations with him. I knew I would miss his presence as I had missed the twins but now it was time to close this chapter.. it was time to create a family and with my husband's hand in mine we made our way to the hospital with a smile in our hearts and a purpose to fulfill..... it was time to assist God in joining this loving couple with their child. Steve & I met up with Jim & Michele at 11:30 as planned and then I had to go through admitting. Michele and I were called back to a room in a timely fashion only to discover that the person that was admitting us was not too familar with the codes and procedures for a planned induction. We wasted approximately a half an hour waiting for her to figure it out and Michele & I chatted nervously, trying to guess how big Baby Bonner would be. I sensed Michele's nervousness as well as her excitement and I wished that I could comfort her somehow though I must admit to feeling pretty nervous myself. Soon the four of us were walking towards the maternity wing and none of us knew what to expect. We were greeted with smiles among the staff and shown to the room where this " miracle" would take place. Its funny how you never stop to think of those things... this was the room that would hold so much joy, the room that would bring me so much pain yet at the same time take away so much pain, the room that would unite a family......Before I donned the usual gown and attire we took pictures and belly shots. When I emerged from the bathroom I was really nervous and I could not believe that this day had finally arrived. We all waited impatiently for the nurses to gather their information and start my IV. My father arrived then and it was evident that he was looking forward to witnessing Michele & Jim become parents. Both my mother and father had met them back in November so everyone was familiar and comfortable with each other on this special day. My wonderful OB, Dr. L showed up to meet Michele & Jim as he had heard so much about them. It was fun to watch Michele and Dr. L converse about the coming hours as she is also an obstetrician as most of you already know. I was happy to realize that Michele & Jim seemed comfortable with my doctor and confident in his abilities. Dr. L checked me and found me to be 3 centimeters and about 60% effaced. He gave orders for the Pitocin to be started and my water to be broke by 3:00 pm. He left to see his patients at his practice down the road and promised to be back with a prediction that Baby Bonner would be born by 5:00 pm. We started the Pitocin at 1:30 p.m. and the five of us then began to converse about lots of things, anything to keep each of us distracted and comforted as we were all very anxious for all that was about to be. It was about 2:00 pm when I really started to feel some good contractions. Michele tried to encourage me to get an epidural early as she did not want to see me in pain. I was fearful of stalling labor and decided to wait. At this time I could easily manage each contraction and I was so excited. It was a little after 2:00 when there was a knock on the door. I knew it would be my mother and I said "come in". The door opened and my mother entered only she was followed by my stepfather. This may not seem to be a big deal to many but my heart literally stopped for a moment and I found it hard to swallow. You see, my stepfather & I have a difficult realtionship regarding most things. He raised me as his own and I hold a great deal of respect for him and his opinions. He is a good man and means well but he had not been supportive or understanding of my surrogacy experiences. I know it is not something that many people can understand but I had only hoped for his respect regarding my decision to help my couples. Having my stepfather show up at the hospital during my labor meant so much to me and I instantly started to cry. He gave me a hug and his eyes said so much without him even saying a word. My heart swelled with happiness and I truly felt so lucky to be me as I watched my 3 parents talk with Jim & Michele. I wish I could have frozen that moment because it could not have been more perfect. Unfortunately, the minutes started to get very painful as the Pitocin was increased again and I started to feel the burn around my ribcage. Each contraction pushed my hardened uterus into my ribs and it was a strange feeling. Michele nervously paced back and forth while monitoring the machines and I wondered what it must be like to be observing the labor of her very own child. I was checked again and found to be 4-5 cm at around 3:00 and Dr. L told the staff to hold off on breaking my water until 3:45 as he thought I was progressing too fast. He was still seeing patients and was set on me having the baby after 5:00. I was cleared to get the epidural and I requested it soon after because the pain was increasing enough with each contraction to bring tears to my eyes. The anesthesiologist showed up within a few minutes and I loved his bedside manner, he was very calming and reassuring and asked everyone to leave except for my husband. This was the first epidural that Steve was allowed to stay in the room for and I was grateful to have him with me as the whole procedure is quite nerve wracking. Steve stood in front of me as I sat on the side of the bed. I positioned myself for the needle and clasped my hands behind his neck. My husband has always been my rock, my strength and I was so thankful to have him with me. I smelled his cologne which was very comforting to me at that time and I closed my eyes as I waited for the next contraction to pass. Soon the epi was in place and I laid back down looking forward to some pain relief. I was checked again and found to be 6 cm and then Michele came back in the room. She was glad that I had received the epidural and expressed her regret at the pain I had already endured. She was so thoughtful of what I was going through and I reminded myself of how small a price it was knowing that she would have given anything to be sitting in the bed I was perched on feeling each wave of pain. My two fathers and Jim remained in the hallway doing some "male bonding" and Steve stayed steadfast by my side always asking me how I was and if I needed anything. My mother was concerned and nervous, it was clearly evident but also engrossed in conversation with Michele. They both got along great and enjoyed each other's company during this uneasy time. At 3:30 everyone was back in the room and I was preparing for another cervical check. The OB resident at the time was a sweetheart, she was so cheery and excited for us all. I was checked again at 3:45, still at 6 cm and then my water was broken. I did not even feel the water at all as I was already numbed. Unfortunately for me the epidural did not reach up to my ribcage so I could still feel a lot of pain there with each contraction. I was aware of the sensation of a slow rising pain around the area of the pelvic joints but it was deep and at this time, very faint so I ignored it and passed the time with small talk and the crunching of ice chips. The contractions were increasing in intensity by 4:00 and I was upset because I knew my stepfather would have to leave in 15 minutes as my sister was being honored in a ceremony that night and he would have to attend. He said goodbye and good luck to Michele & Jim and hugged me again before leaving. I was still so touched by his presence and tried to thank him with my eyes and I knew he knew how happy I was by his effort. He reached out to me by showing up at the hospital on this day that held so much value and importance to me and I will never forget it. After he left my concentration shifted back to the task at hand and it was becoming more difficult to focus. I could see that Michele & Jim were getting excited, we had all created a "pool" of bets on how much Baby Bonner would weigh so we were able to have some fun while watching the clock tick away. Michele was looking through a book of baby names as they had still not yet decided on a name that suited them. At about 4:45 the resident checked me again and I was a good 7 , 100% effaced and finally felt like I was making some progress! The resident told us that Dr. L was leaving his office and promised to be there in 5 minutes! We didn't believe it of course as it was Friday during rush hour but would you believe that he showed up within 3 minutes? He came sliding into the room with his scrubs on and he was ready to rock 'n' roll. He is so funny and truly such a good friend to me. It was shortly after 5:00 when I reached 8-9 centimeters and then the preparations began. The baby warmer was wheeled in along with the table for repairing and placental procedures. Jim & Michele put on a hospital gown over their clothes and through a particularly painful contraction I got a glimpse of the two of them exchanging nervous glances. I was so consumed with love for the two of them and all they had been through. They were so caught up in that moment...... imagine a moment that seems as if you have waited a lifetime for...... it is finally here.. what would you feel? I tried to imagine it as I rested between contractions that were coming every 2 minutes. My husband gave me a kiss on the cheek and took his place behind the bed with the video camera so as to make it as discreet as possible. Jim & Michele stood on my right side and my mother was on my left. My father sat on a couch to me left looking out the window as he is not entirely comfortable viewing the actual birth itself. He knows his presence is comforting to me and thats what counts. Dr. L, the resident and two nurses occupied the front of the room. Michele sat next to me and held my hand through a few particularly painful contractions and I was so thankful for her care and concern for me. I really felt appreciated and loved and these are the memories that never fade. My husband took turns with my mother holding my other hand and periodically I looked over at Jim to see a nervous father to be smiling at me with much gratitude. Slowly but surely, by 5:15 I was completely dialated and Baby Bonner was engaged. It was time to unite this infant with his mother who was holding blankets ready to receive him and gaze upon him for the first time. His father was so anxious to see him and hold him. I silently prayed that this stage would pass quickly so they would not have to wait any longer.... I closed my eyes and pulled my legs back for the first monumental push and my heart seemed to overflow with anticipation of the minutes ahead that would hold a lifetime of memories for everyone in the room...... I have to admit that I had no idea what the next two hours would consist of. I was so confident in my ability to push because this would be my fifth child. With each previous birth my pushing time was cut in half and eventually almost eliminated entirely. I thought for sure that Baby Bonner would arrive by 6:00 pm. Well, 6:00 p.m passed without hope of making any progress any time soon. The first half hour was only the beginning of what would be the most painful and tiring experience of my life. I had the strength to push and from what I could tell, I was doing that effectively but nothing was happening. Baby Bonner was engaged and he would move a bit lower with each push but when the contraction faded, he returned back to where he was previously. The epidural has never affected my ability to push and I was very aware of what I was doing and how well. The most unpleasant part of this stage at the time was Dr. L stretching my perineum with each contraction. It gave me tremendous pressure and it hurt very badly. At around 6:30 I must have pushed about at least 30 times with no improvement and I was beginning to dread each contraction. The epidural was starting to wear off and I requested more anesthetic. Each push brought with it a pounding in my head like nothing I had ever felt before. My eyes felt swollen and my mouth was dry. My back ached as I arched with each contraction and inside I felt the pangs of discouragement and disappointment in myself. I looked between tears many times to Michele who was waiting with arms outstretched with baby blankets covering them to receive her son. God, how long will she have to wait? Hasn't she waited enough? What was wrong and when would it end? She held my left leg up in tandem with my mother who would hold my right leg with each contraction. Everyone was so supportive and encouraging. When 6:45 rolled around it seemed that the mood in the room had changed somewhat. I was aware of many emotions in the room.. I felt excitement & impatience but most of all it was evident that everyone was becoming nervous and worried. Many times I looked over to Jim to see if he was okay as I knew how nervous he must have been. I would then look back at Michele who was trying so hard to keep my spirits up along with Dr. L. Unfortunately, sometimes knowing too much about obstetrics can burn you. I knew the time had come to start contemplating what was preventing me from delivering Baby Bonner. I saw Michele & Dr. L exchange worried glances with each other and I wondered how much longer before I would be wheeled to the operating room. Still, I fought with each contraction and looked deep inside myself for strength to carry me through just one more push... and again and again.. the next time it will work, .. just one more push, you can do it... eventually it all sounded like a broken record to me and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Baby Bonner was posterior and the earlier pain I had felt deep within along my pubic bone was growing stronger now with each contraction. I tried to lay on my left side to turn him as it had worked instantly with my son but it did not work as easily. It did manage to rotate his head enough for some descent to be accomplished and then everyone was excited again which gave me more motivation to work harder. Michele moved in front of me and was able to see the top of her son's head. The look that passed before her eyes is one that I will never forget. There he was, and only minutes away from her arms, or was he? Jim took his rightful place in front of the bed during this time to glimpse a peak at his son and he was so happy. I was determined to keep trying ...We tried not pushing through many contractions to see if it would move him down farther on his own, no luck. Then it was suggested that I lay on my right side and when I did I felt a pain shoot all through my pelvic area. It was so severe on the left side of my pubic bone that I could not even push through it. I cried out in desperation stating that I could not do it any more, not that way, it hurt too much. I wish I could remember who said it, but someone said that if it hurts that bad, it will probably work. I didn't care at that point. 7:00 pm was approaching and with it brought me a full helping of selfishness. All of a sudden it was as if no one was in the room. The room was spinning , my head was throbbing, my ribs felt as if they would crack with every contraction. I felt so swollen below and was afraid to look down. My pelvic bones felt as if they would shatter and I then realized that I could go no further. I had spent every ounce of my energy and I started to feel as if I was falling asleep between contractions. I kept looking from one person to the next throughout the room. My doctor was concerned, my mother looked as if she would pass out from the sight of whatever was happening with me below, my father was nervously fidgeting over on the couch consumed with worry and when I looked up at Steve I felt a new wave of fresh tears emerge as I saw that he was hurting for me, and worried about what would happen next. I looked over to Jim and he seemed anxious now glancing back and forth from his wife to my doctor searching for some answer as to how much longer it would be. I pushed again, this time feeling all my energy literally drain right out of me. Michele would look each time I pushed to see if it would bring her closer to her son. Why was this happening to me? Where was Steve? He was still behind me but I needed him . I needed to hold his hand as I had with every other labor. He gave me a reassuring squeeze and looked at me with such love that I found a second wind. Next time, I told myself, the next contraction will be it, I can do this.... but every contraction brought the same ending. Baby Bonner was still stuck under my bone and he showed no signs of changing his position. I looked at the clock. It was almost 5 minutes after 7:00. As I rested between contractions I had an inner conflict with myself. Part of me wanted to say "I can't go on, please take me to the OR" but that was too easy. The other, more sensible part of me carried a voice much louder that reminded me of the hundreds of books I had read on managing your labor, dealing with pain, working with your body. I had given birth to 4 other children. Surely a c-section was not in my future. I still had a shot at a vaginal birth. I told myself that I had not tried hard enough yet. I was building up my confidence again but I was searching frantically within for the energy to complete my task. Something was missing.... and then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. All through my pregnancy I prayed each night for the strength and ability to carry Baby Bonner to term. I would say every night to God " I know I can do this, but not without you" Of course. It was that simple and right in front of me all along. I could do this, but not without God. I remembered the footprints in the sand... it was now, in my darkest, weakest hour, that He would carry me. I glanced up at my husband trying to convey my revelation. He still looked worried and did not see the hope in my eyes. I looked to my mother who had stepped out briefly to regain her composure. I saw her glance to where Baby Bonner should have been emerging and knew that what she saw was not a pretty sight. Still, none of that mattered now. I had a job to do. I looked at my father who was gazing out the window and could only imagine what he must be feeling. Finally, I looked over to Jim & Michele once more. I had no way of speaking what I felt inside to them, only I looked upon them both lovingly with the knowledge that their son would be here sooner than they probably thought. The clock on the wall said 7:08. Time to push again, roll on your right side they said again.... I did and it hurt so much. I did not care. I closed my eyes and pushed through all the painful sensations exploding in my body and I prayed like never before. 'God, please help me, I need you, help me to bring this baby into this world safely. I can do it, but not without you.' This push was not the one and neither was the next. I was not discouraged. I would not lose my faith in my ability to do this and found myself looking forward to the next contraction and when it came, I repeated my prayer. Somewhere off in the distance I heard a joyful noise... what was that? He was moving down!! It was the voices of everyone around me cheering me on because Baby Bonner was ready to make his entrance! Through tears and exhaustion I pushed again with energy that my body did not hold. I felt something move within me, it was Baby Bonner! I was so happy and emotionally in awe of God's answer to my prayer. I pushed yet again with something not of this world as the driving force. I heard Dr. L exclaim that he was almost there. Again I felt a sliding feeling below and felt a "pop". The pain behind my pelvis was diminishing rapidly. I knew he had come down below the pubic bone and that I had only minutes maybe seconds left before it would all be over. Tears of relief sprang to my eyes. Michele & Jim were right in front of me, I could see them clearly through my tears. There are no words in the English language to describe what I saw there. I felt my husband's hand on my shoulder, I saw my mother's smile and my father looked at me with pride and I pushed for the last time..... I heard Dr. L tell me to stop pushing and I panted under my breath. I felt the burning set in as my perineum was stretched beyond limits. It's almost over I told myself.. only one more time. Okay, push he said and I did. I felt Baby Bonner's head emerge and I sighed with relief only to find another wave of pain building so quickly and I had no idea what it was from. I realized that it was Baby Bonner's shoulders. I felt Dr. L try to support my perineum and then an excruciating pain ripped through me from top to bottom. It was nothing like I had ever felt before and I would never wish it upon anyone. I felt frozen as this feeling took me over and I thought I was going to die. I can laugh at that now but at the time I truly felt just that. Suddenly, it was over. Silence turned into happy exclamations of relief, tears of joy were shed by all, some outwardly and some only on the inside. The world stopped for me at that moment. All that mattered to me now was seeing this woman whom I had come to love so much receive her child. I wanted to see a father gaze upon his firstborn son. I wanted to see with so much clarity all that I had achieved. Baby Bonner slid out of me with little resistance following his shoulders and I knew even without looking that he was bigger than the 8 pounds that I had predicted. Brendan James Bonner was born at 7:13 p.m. I looked down at this screaming angel... he was obviously insulted at the days events and I remember thinking how beautiful he was, even with all the vernix that covered him. I immediately felt so much love for him and pride.. so this was what the little guy looked like! Dr. Linares clamped his cord and Michele stepped forward to claim her son. Dr. L gently placed him in her arms and she was crying tears that were washing away 4 years of pain and emptiness. She looked at her son and he cried up to her with protest to what was happening and then I looked for Jim he had come up behind Michele with tears of his own. I saw pride like no other spring to his eyes and it was so wonderful to see a man crying so openly, so aware of God's gift to him. I thought to myself what a great father he would be. So many cleansing tears. The world had frozen for Jim & Michele. The three of them, this new family was enveloped in so much love for each other. My heart leapt with so many emotions. I could have floated right off the table. I looked at my parents and thought to myself... " Look, mom, Look dad.. look what I did again.. Look what God chose me to do". I looked over at Steve and his eyes were filled with tears as he watched Jim & Michele. All the months of sacrifice that he endured with me ended there. He leaned over and kissed me and I layed back and closed my eyes briefly to thank God. Just like before I knew God was present. I have always felt that God was present for the birth of each child. I felt it with my own, but this time, like the twins, it was stronger. God was smiling at me and blessing Jim & Michele with each passing minute. I looked over at them again.. they were still holding expressions of unconditional love for their son, disbelief that he was finally there, in their arms, the very answer to their prayers. Some people go their entire lives and never get to see what we all witnessed in those moments. I cannot speak for what everyone else saw and felt that day but I saw years of infertility melt away. Pain, emptiness and suffering were replaced with love, understanding and a renewed sense of faith. They say that faith can move mountains.... well, it certainly moved Brendan and he was pretty similar to a mountain in my opinion. :) Jim & Michele moved with their son over to the warmer. I looked at Dr. L only to see that he too, had tears in his eyes. He began to repair the damages. I managed to escape an episiotomy but Brendan's shoulders did give me a second degree laceration. I am not complaining because the way I see it, I could have been being stitched up across my belly instead. At that time I felt no pain whatsoever. Dr. L removed the placenta with ease which Michele later told me was huge and began to stitch me up. I told Steve to leave me and go be with them... go and see what you did, I said. He reluctantly left my side to witness more of this miraculous event. Dr. L and the nursing staff were in my way but I strained to see what was going on behind them. I wish I could have seen more of those moments. My mother was circling the room in awe of what she had just witnessed. In contrast to when I birthed the twins it was clear that she understood why I chose to be a surrogate. My mother was proud of me and amazed at what I had done. My father hugged me and stood nearby Jim & Michele with a smile that I could see from across the room. He was beaming and so happy for them. I was showered with hugs and kisses and I was then told by Dr. L that I was going to have a lot of swelling. I had figured as much and then a nurse layed an ice pack between my legs and finally I was covered with a warm blanket. Brendan's tests were completed, his apgars were 9 & 9 and Michele carried him over to the bed and sat beside me while we all waited for the scale to be rolled into the room. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and Jim took my hand and kissed it in thanks and I felt so peaceful inside so satisfied with the whole experience. Michele looked at me with gratitude and regret for what I had just gone through. I felt it was such a tiny price tag compared to what I was seeing now. She was ever so happy and still misty eyed. All at once I saw a change in her personality, I saw motherhood take over and a protectiveness over Brendan that was almost immediate. Jim stood nearby and also said so much with just a glance between us. I did not know what to say to either of them. Steve stood beside me and we were both so choked up by all that had taken place. The scale finally arrived and Brendan James was placed upon it as everyone but me gathered around to see.. all at once I heard everyone saying "no way" and other various forms of denial. I glimpsed at the digital numbers and my stomach lurched. I saw 10.1 and thought no way, that's wrong. It became clear that the scale was not changing its mind and Michele turned to look at me in amazement. No one could believe it, and they accompanied the nurse down to the nursery to weigh him on a different scale. 10.1. They came back in the room where I was sitting up now, feeling a bit woozy. It was confirmed. I had just vaginally birthed a 10 pound child. Unbelieveable. That was all that I could think. My husband looked at me and told me he was so proud of me. Jim & Michele were stunned and Dr. L looked at me with a new respect, he smiled and said that I never fail to amaze him. Everybody's guess was wrong, though my father was closest.... almost at the end of my labor to break the tension in the room he said " In light of how long this is taking, I'd like to change my guess on the weight" and we all laughed. I thought of Mark and that his guess was supposed to be a joke and I probably would have choked him if he was there. :) My parents came over to congratulate the new parents once again and say their goodbyes. I was thankful that they had been able to be present during such a precious event and I knew in my heart that they would drive away with a new awareness of who I was. At this time I was bleeding heavily and Dr. L had to push on my tummy a few times which of course was unpleasant. I was given 2 intramuscular shots of Methergine and the Pitocin was continued. I then became aware of the swelling below and the afterpains set in. I asked for some juice as I was so thirsty and then asked the nurse if I could have something for pain. This was a mistake and I did the same thing after the twins birth. My stomach was empty and I could not stop thinking about how big Brendan was, that my little body had accomplished such an awesome feat. My stomach turned and I knew I was going to vomit. I asked for a basin and it almost got there quick enough. My orange juice and Darvocet came up onto the blankets in front of me and it was a terrible few minutes. I felt totally and completely drained. The room was spinning again and when it passed I had never been so exhausted in all my life. Michele & Jim felt badly and Steve held me until I felt better. I asked for more pain meds through the IV and something for nausea. Brendan was measured and found to be 22 and 3/4 inches long. This time it was Jim whom I saw first and as a pediatrician, it was scary to see the disbelief in his face. All of us were so taken aback by Brendans' size and I was still reeling from the information. I was given Phenergan and Darvocet through the IV and within minutes I felt so much better but very weak. All that aside, Steve and I were still consumed with watching Jim & Michele hold their son, taking turns, smiling and laughing and exchanging loving glances. This is what it was all about. So many people ask us why... why would you do this for someone... why would you put yourself through all that pain? This is why. If I had a bottle and could have captured these moments it would make it so easy to explain to all those that judge us unfairly. Instead, I have my memories and these are the ones that do not fade. They leave an imprint in my mind, my heart and my soul that can never be erased. Steve left shortly after to go home to our kids, poor guy was exhausted as well from all that standing on his bad knee. He still had sinus congestion from weeks prior and the hospital air was so dry in the room. He hugged me and held me close and I felt so many things. I have always marveled at how much Steve and I can say to each other without saying a word. I thanked him with my eyes and Michele came over to hug him with many thanks as well as Jim. We decided to order a pizza but I was starting to feel really disconnected from the medication and therefore was not too interested in food at the time. Jim settled in on the couch to feed his son and Michele sat right next to him loving her son so much. The three of us talked for some time and the staff had prepared them a room that was not in use and I was grateful that they would not have to be separated from their son by staying at a hotel. I tried to stay focused on the conversation but it was hard because the medication was affecting my speech and I kept nodding off. Eventually the family I helped to create left the room for the evening and I was left alone with my thoughts. Pain. I was afraid to look and afraid that I would not be able to pee, I am deathly afraid of catheters. I knew I had to try and get up. The nurse came to help me and when I pulled down the ice pack and those weird panties they give you to wear I almost fainted on the tile. I was thoroughly digusted when I looked at my perineum because I resembled a very well endowed male. I was swollen beyond recognition and frightened of how I would feel when the pain meds wore off, how I would get around in the next couple days, etc.. I guess I expected some of what I saw but not to that degree. I still consider myself lucky though, after all, it was a 10 pound baby. I could not pee then but was able to a few hours later and actually laughed because it seemed like 5 minutes went by before I finished. Relieved that I avoided a catheter I settled back in my bed, comfortable after receiving more pain medication and drifted off to sleep though I was up on & off frequently through the night with vital checks and pain. At around 6:00 am I was able to go to the bathroom myself and my best friend was that snazzy water bottle thing we all use and adore so much. I slowly got myself into the shower which was very spacious at St. Charles, it has an oak bench in it with slats so that you can sit down without passing out and the shower head comes off the wall so it was easy to clean myself and the hot water felt so good. All my muscles ached and my bones felt like I had osteoporosis. I played the " hurry up and get dressed before you bleed all over the place" game and felt clean and fresh when I returned back to my bed. I applied my make-up while waiting for my breakfast and when it arrived I found I was starving of course. Michele & Jim were beaming as they wheeled Brendan in around 10:00 and they were hungry. The cafeteria was closed and they were going to go up the street to the grocery store to get some goodies. When they left I looked at Brendan sleeping so soundly in his bassinett. I wanted to hold him but decided to wait so as to not disturb his slumber. Wow. He was so beautiful, he had chipmunk cheeks and he was perfect. His head, despite all the pushing was perfectly round and so soft. I looked at his litte fingers and tears sprang to my eyes once more. Here, right in front of me, was a living miracle, an answered prayer. I was ever so proud of him and I told him so. He stirred at the sound of my voice and I told him again as I had so many times before how lucky he was to have a mommy & daddy that never gave up.. they wanted him so much, and he had so many people waiting for him in Rhode Island. I told him about all the nice clothes he had, his very own room and toys and books and a beautiful house. I told him that he was a very special little boy and that I was so honored to have been chosen to give him life. Jim & Michele returned then and asked if I wanted to hold him which of course I did. Oh, what a precious moment for me. Steve & my kids showed up within minutes. They were so excited to see Baby Bonner. It was apparent when they first saw him that it really was real to them. My youngest seemed surprised that there was a baby sitting there and my oldest was more excited to see Jim & Michele. Steve had brought me a dozen red roses and one of them were white, my favorite, with a big red bow. I loved him so much for that. He brought Jim & Michele a big teddy bear for Brendan too. We all snacked on goodies and enjoyed each other's company as always and when Steve left we made plans for my mom to watch the kids later and for Steve to come back up for dinner. After he left, the three of us chatted some more about how big Brendan was and how I was feeling. I felt a little more mobile but the rear end was still very sore. We all decided to take naps and they went back to their room with Brendan. I slept peacefully and woke to a nurse bringing me a beautiful arrangement of pastel flowers with a ballon attached that said " Just Because" . I opened the card and it said ... " All our Love, Jim, Michele & Brendan. I cried tears of joy once more and wondered how I ever got so lucky. I loved them for their gratitude and for being such good people. I thanked them when they returned to the room and Steve was already there, it was about 4:30 pm and then we made plans to get take-out across the street. Steve and I knew what we wanted and Jim & Michele left to place our order and wait for carry out. Steve and I were left with Brendan and I thought it a perfect time to get some pictures of him with the baby. Steve was not very close with the twins but he had a bond with BB right from the start which I attribute to the fact that he had such a good friendship and a sense of closeness with Jim & Michele. Steve spent many nights playing games with Brendan in the middle of the night when he would not sleep, some of which I slept right through! Steve understood the importance of stimulating a fetus' nervous system and all about their cognitive abilities, memory, etc... I could see when he looked at Brendan that he was just as proud as I was.. I was thankful that we were able to be alone with him in person for a few minutes. I think there is always a fear among us that if you show too much emotion in front of your intended parents that they might feel uncomfortable and I did not want Jim & Michele to feel that way. It was just a closure for us to have those few minutes and I was so proud of my husband and all that he had gone through for me to achieve this as I sat and watched him hold Brendan and talk to him. Brendan knew who he was and even somewhat grinned at one point and we laughed. I am happy to say that playing recordings of Jim & Michele reading Brendan stories payed off, he was calmed by their voices at birth and he knew who they were as well. I ran out of film so when Jim & Michele returned with the food we took a few more of the baby & I and we all had a great dinner with equally great conversation. After Steve left we watched a little TV together and made final plans and preparations for discharge in the morning. Dr. L then came in to do Brendans' circumcision and everyone hates when it is time for that. Dr. L uses the Morgan clamp though and it is virtually painless and over very quickly. Michele & Jim were very impressed with his work and Brendan never even had any swelling. When they left to go back to their room I thought about my kids and I missed them. I found that I missed Steve already and was looking forward to going home in the morning. I made a few calls , took another relaxing shower, read a little Danielle Steel and drifted off into a more restful sleep than the previous night. It was about quarter to seven in the morning when I woke up and I headed off to the shower again. I cannot stand feeling yucky. By now the swelling was receding some but I was pretty stiff all over from all the pushing and I could have stayed in the shower forever. When I was dressed I cleaned up the bathroom some and then Dr. L came to see me. He prescribed me some oral Darvocet and antibiotics because my swelling was so severe just in case I got an infection. We talked about plans for any future pregnancies and agreed upon waiting another year before I attempted to help Jim & Michele create a sibling for Brendan. He then thanked me for the experience, he said he truly enjoyed being a part of the birth and witnessing Jim & Michele's happiness. He came over and gave me a great big hug as always and then I tidied up the room, called Steve who was getting ready to leave with the kids and then put my shoes on. I walked down to Jim & Michele's room and they were busy packing little stuff and signing paperwork. I have to say that the hospital was very prepared with my birth plan and they were very efficient in making sure that everything was completed in a timely fashion. Their names went directly on the birth certificate and they even filed for Brendans' social security number. Michele & Jim were treated with respect and they were very pleased with the entire staff who made them feel so comfortable. Michele took some pictures of me holding Brendan and then I continued to hold him while they had a bite to eat at the table. Brendan & I watched cartoons together and chatted about the silly characters. Well, at least I did, but he was listening. :) Michele's mother called to see how Brendan was doing, you may remember that I met her in R.I. when we had the transfer. She is a remarkably loving woman and now she was a grandmother for the first time! She asked to speak to me and thanked me ever so much for what I had done for her daughter and told me how special I was. I did not expect to cry so early on in the day and I was honored by her words and her appreciation . I only hope I have the privelege to meet her again in the future. The pediatrician came in to discharge Brendan and he was found to be in perfect health with only a little bit of jaundice. They then began to dress him in the cutest outfit!! He is such a perfect child, I wish you could see how proportionate he is for a 10 pounder! Michele got her first dose of baby boy hairspray when she bent over to change him and he shot a 2 ft stream of urine into the air. We all laughed and then I left to go back to my room and wait for Steve. He arrived momentarily with the kids and then Jim & Michele came in with Brendan ready to dress him in his snowsuit. Before that we took more pictures and I held Brendan for the last time. I lovingly held him before me and marveled at his life, the miracle that he was. Everyone else was talking amongst themselves and I told him to be a good boy for his mommy & daddy, to always remember how special he is and that I would see him later on in the year, that I expected him to be big & strong and happy just as he is now. I told him how proud I was of him and I said goodbye. I walked over to Michele and handed her my "GIFT". A gift of love, a gift of life, there is nothing greater than this. She received him with a warm smile and a new, unfamiliar pair of eyes. This woman wore motherhood beautifully and she was a new person full of life, full of love and she was about to start a new chapter in her life, one she had waited forever to read. The final papers were signed and we were all set to go. My children held each of my hands as we turned the corner. Steve walked next to Jim & Michele behind me along with the nurse who carried Brendan in his car seat. He was adorable and as we all paraded past the nurses station they all stopped and said goodbye and many just stared in disbelief at our happy ending. Steve went to pull the car around up behind Jim & Michele's and they proceeded to buckle their son in for his first trip.... they were finally going home. Steve got the kids in our car and then it was time to say goodbye. My sensitivity won again and the tears flowed. To an outsider an eyebrow may have been raised, but my tears were rare ones. I have shed them only once before this day and you all know what I am referring to. There is no way to put these feelings into words but simply put, another ending to a purpose, I fulfilled what was asked of me to the best of my ability and I could not have asked for a happier ending. Now there was a new beginning, a new life and I wanted to say so much to them but I choked on my own tears. Steve hugged both Jim & Michele and then I exchanged my own hugs with them. They both thanked us profusely and said that they had no words for what we had done for them. I loved them both so much for their friendship and their trust. Steve and I have never been happier for anyone in our lives and the experience has brought us closer yet again. They then said goodbye to our kids and Steve helped me into the car. We drove away and my tears began to be replaced with smiles and neither of us said much on the way home. After I had the twins, the ride home was tearful and happy just like this day only this time, I felt a greater sense of calmness and peace. The sun shone down upon the road and I looked at everything as if I was seeing it for the first time. I was filled with satisfaction and contentment along with my husband and I thanked God again for my children, my fertility and my ability to be a surrogate mother. A week has gone by since Brendan's birth and I have been updated with phone calls and emails. Everyone is so happy for Jim & Michele, they have so many family members and friends to rejoice with. Every time I count my blessings regarding how much Jim & Michele think about us, we get another call or email and I feel so blessed to have ever crossed paths with them. Brendan is doing well, he is eating and sleeping regularly though he does wake up at 3:00 am to "play" and we jokingly all blame that on Steve. Each time I talk to Michele she sounds a bit different, she is so ecstatic to finally be a mommy. She continues to thank us and I continue to be amazed at how often we are thought of. Just yesterday I turned on the computer to get a heartfelt message from Jim thanking us for his "perfect son" . He mentioned how special it is to him to see his wife holding their child, how much it reminds him of God's presence. I cried more tears of joy and I feel as if I am continually rewarded with all of these little things. The 4 of us have plans to vacation later on this fall with my kids and Brendan and I already cannot wait! We have not decided where yet but I'll be sure to keep you updated. As it stands we have future plans for a sibling for Brendan and we will be focusing on that by next January so stay tuned for another chapter ........ A new year has begun, a new family has been created, one of many here thanks to SMO. Without all of you I would not have them. Without your support it would not be the same. Many thanks to Jenn Z for creating SMO, to Kara for maintaining this place that is responsible for so many miracles throughout the years. Brendan is one of many miracles in 2001 and I am proud to be associated with so many wonderful men and women here that bring so much joy selflessly to others. Many thanks to each and every one of you that have been with me throughout the last 2 years, your friendship means the world to me. For everything there is a season..... to all of you reading this happy ending and wondering when you will be writing yours... never lose hope and most of all, your faith, because it really can move mountains...... Love, Carrie~~~ Proud Surromommy to Brendan James Bonner 02/02/01 Proud Surromommy to Ryan Ian and Alexa Rose Glickman 12/26/99

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